It annoys the hell out of me when I feel like I’m hiding something, especially out of shame. “I got fired” isn’t really a sweet melody to hear. But it happened! And I don’t like the second of hesitation I take when a friend asks me what I’m doing right now.
I got fired. After two months. I. Got. Fired.
Okay. If you haven’t seen my first post about my work, you should maybe read it first, to give you some idea of what the situation was. A lot of things happened leading up to this termination. I don’t even know how to tell this story. To put it on a timeline, I gave my resignation letter April 03, with my scheduled last date of service on May 03. I got laid off on April 12, right before the holy week. What triggered this event, you ask?
Before I tell you about the climax, I should tell you the factors that have played in to this scenario.
- They’re Chinese. I’m Chinese. There are too many familiar things, which I know I’m not okay with. (That’s why I questioned why the hell I accepted this jobbbb! I don’t fucking know!) If you’re Chinese, who grew up with traditional/old-fashioned parents, you WILL know what I’m talking about.
- Me. How I came to be. What my experiences are with old Chinese people, and how I learned to be aggressive when I got tired of being pushed to the ground.
- The bosses. Their lack of knowledge in the technicalities of production, and their lack of trust in their employees.
There’s too many layers to this story, but I’ll just tell the ones that led up to this event. There are two bosses. Let’s call them, Boss A and Boss B. Boss A, the son, is the one who hired me; but I’ll be working directly with Boss B, the parent. Boss B has some uncanny similarities with my dad. This is a warning sign because I stay away from ANYONE who are like my dad (that certain aspect of him). They are 100% #triggering. Even Boss A has some of this trait. It’s called double bind.
A double bind is an emotionally distressing dilemma in communication in which an individual (or group) receives two or more conflicting messages, and one message negates the other. This creates a situation in which a successful response to one message results in a failed response to the other (and vice versa), so that the person will automatically be wrong regardless of response. The double bind occurs when the person cannot confront the inherent dilemma, and therefore can neither resolve it nor opt out of the situation.
Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_bind (Wow, I’m sourcing Wikipedia, great.)
The more you know! Hahaha! Search it up if you want to know more, it’s really interesting. It’ll serve you good too if you start avoiding people like these! 100% pain in the ass! This is also why I like being straight to the point. I don’t like being misunderstood. I don’t like sugarcoating and lying. Because these shit messes with my head, okay? I don’t fucking want another relapse. #triggered hahaha
Breathe. I forgot what I was talking about. Oh yes, right. I didn’t jive well with them. But you know, I tried. Of course I’ll try! Change and challenges excite me! It just didn’t dawn on me that my challenge would be to start my “life” all over again, just with new characters. I had my moments, where I disrespected Boss B because we didn’t understand each other with the use of the word “program”, and I got really fed up with how nagging she was to me. She called me out of office hours. Woke me up with this really unnecessary negative energy. She’ll arrive at the office right before lunch break or time out. And then after she serves you hell, she’ll put up this face as if she cared about you. OOOOOOHHHHHHH these kind of people! I CAN read through your actionnsssss! I won’t be a victim of these things anymore! Call me cynical but people are beautiful, complicated creatures and they can do anything! Shift from one thing to another and ooooohhhhhhhhh #triggered. Hahaha.
I got reprimanded for this action of course. I admitted my mistakes. I was disappointed with how I was acting and reacting. I know my work ethics, and I don’t like how I can’t control myself during work because personal issues are leaking through. IT’S JUST WAY TOO DAMN SIMILAR. THE WARNING SIGNS. The way I react has become a reflex action. I promised to myself that I will never be treated that way ever again! And putting everything into a work situation makes it even more complicated! My professionalism has gone poof on me. That’s when I knew that I HAD to resign. Before I completely destroy myself, I have to push the quit button.
Come the pre-holy week days.
I was having some delays because I got transferred to another editing machine. The rendered videos I was delivering turned out were having errors. They stop playing or they just don’t play at all. That was Monday, April 10. I figured that maybe the 2-3 hour long footage was too big of a file for the old editing machine, so I thought I’d cut them in half. It worked out fine, for a while. Come Wednesday, April 12, my process smoothens out. And I just then I learned through an old forum, that other people had difficult encounters as I have as well. There I knew, that Adobe Premiere automatically cuts frames when the saving area doesn’t have enough disk space. This is the reason why the rendered videos stop playing in the middle, or why after hours of rendering, it will only come out as a 1KB file. Before I had the chance to tell my senior editor about this, Boss B called me for updates, as usual, about this certain uncut video that she rushed me about. She had the momentum and asked about what’s taking the time from the other uncut videos. She asked, I answered. But it doesn’t matter! I didn’t raise my voice. I was just trying to explain. She was asking! If I answer, I’m disrespectful because I’m talking back – If I don’t answer, I’m still disrespectful because I’m not answering the damn fucking question!
Aaaagggghhhhh this is too much to tell. I am guessing that you got the point. I think you can fill in the rest of the conversation. Boss A called my senior editor, partied, then asked to speak to me and told me all sorts of stuff I already heard long ago. It’s just way too damn familiar! I already knew this was coming! I fucking called this shit! Hahaha. What he told me was certainly not of the boss type. But oh well, this happens. I understand. To their viewpoint, they were just protecting the company. I understand. I wasn’t doing my job, and was doing more harm than good. I understand. My senior editor later comes in from a phone call, telling me to turn over my files to her and Louis. As expected. As negative as this situation was, I just felt free.
What’s funny was, after all this shit. After being so excited to terminate me, give me my final papers and stuff, Boss B called me Monday morning. “Hello Hanna. Good morning. Can you come in today around 9:30am to 10:00am. There are just some revisions on *name* uncut”. I come in thinking that this will be quick. My friends and my office-mates told me that I shouldn’t have come, because they don’t have a hold on me anymore. They’ve already terminated me. Boss B asked me that morning, why the videos were having errors, and only now, she listens. Asks what is needed to be done. ONLY NOW, after everything you’ve said and done, you ask and listen now! Wow. Because even if you fire me, those videos will still be having errors. I was the one who tried to solve the problem, and yet it’s still my fault. They told me I was causing delay because I didn’t like it there anymore. Maybe they didn’t know that I was actually enjoying my time and thought about staying. If I was really causing delay, I wouldn’t have tried to solve this problem. I wouldn’t care so much and just tell them that the computer was giving me a hard time. I wish I had just complained about it, not take it on to myself and try at least to do a good job before I go. I forgot, effort doesn’t matter!
This is one fuck of a rant and I sound so condescending and ungrateful. I know people will misunderstand me, people will hate me. But I, as a person, also have my reasons. If I was given the chance to change my decision, the day I was offered this job, maybe I will still say yes to this. As chaotic as it may be, this journey gave me so much lessons. And it gave me one interesting story to tell!
Countless blessings came after my termination. Not even a day to relax. I’ve had opportunities coming into my door, I can’t help but think that this was supposed to happen. Just like when I got delayed for another year during college, it has its purpose.
Life may not be clear all the time, but I learned not to overthink these events and just get a laugh at it. After all, this IS one interesting story to tell!
Hashtag of the night: #triggered