Guarding an Innately Destructive Self

Is what it feels like to have – whatever. I have to constantly be there for myself or else I go back to my default setting: self-destructive. That’s the hardest part for me right now because I’ve been good for a long time. Not perfectly consistent, but I’ve been good to myself. On days that I relapse, I realize that my “good self” is not my normal self. Because it’s so fucking easy to go back to the way I was. I have to constantly, verbally remind myself to “go drink water, take a shower, eat your favorite food, clean your surroundings, take care of yourself” because it’s not my first nature to be that way. It’s hard when I just want to bang my head against a hard surface a lot of the time. When most of my self-control goes to taking care of myself, it’s difficult to be exceptionally good at everything else. Which is what I always aim to be.

I try to remind myself that it’s okay to not be in control from time to time. I’m becoming too disassociated with myself because I think of myself as a flawed human that I have to maneuver through the course of life.  I study things to better myself, but the more I know, the more I become disconnected with my soul. Do this because it will yield that. Say this because it is what’s benefitial. My life just became a game (which is actually fun most of the time) where I do certain things not because I want to or enjoy doing, but because it is the strategic right action in order to move forward.

You know, maybe I’m just overthinking all of these. Maybe my 3am thoughts came too early and I’m mistaking it as daytime, rational thoughts. I’ll go have a sip of cold water to cool my system down. Plus, water is always good.

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