A Guide To Missing Your First Solo Flight

It’s hard to be unique these days. You gotta think of unorthodox ways to make yourself standout. Some do pranks and viral videos. I took it up a notch and just decided that missing my flight is a cool thing. And here I’m going to show you how to do it!

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Step 1: Forget the baggage allowance limit while packing

It’s been so long since you last flew, or maybe you haven’t flown in your life at all. It’s good that you forget that there’s an actual limit to what you can bring to the airplane. Just bring all the stuff you can fit into your luggage without minding any KG limit.

Step 2: Add the additional baggage allowance you want to the wrong flight

When you’ve realized that you actually have a purchased baggage allowance, and the things you packed are over the limit, you can still buy more baggage allowance – just make sure to put them on the return flight. That way, you wouldn’t be able to use it at all.

Step 3: Be a little late

You packed your stuff early so that you can relax, but all these late realizations made you just a tad bit late. You also didn’t put into the equation the traffic of Manila. So you get to the airport with just enough time to get yourself choked- checked-in and go through immigration.

Step 4: Take Cebu Pacific Air for the long queues in the baggage check-ins

So you get to the airport and you see the long queue in the Cebu Pacific area, patiently wait for your turn and have the lady tell you that you booked the 40kg baggage allowance on the return flight! Therefore, you have to take out some of your things on the spot. And take note! You can only carry 7kg of hand carry luggage with you (10kg if you’re bringing a laptop). So do the math!

Step 5: Look like a naive, stupid prostitute (or domestic helper)

Okay, when you’ve settled your baggage and have already cried a little bit, try to look as weak and stupid as possible in front of the immigration officer. You gotta not have make-up on, and bleached hair is a plus. Dress raggedly because it’s not like your flying midnight and you want to sleep comfortably. You gotta show the officer that not fixing your hair means you suck people’s dicks for money. When the officer asks you a lot of questions, looks at you like you’re trash, and talks to you like you’ve punched your classmate on the face and you got sent to the principal’s office, then you know your shit is working.

Step 6: Walk to the boarding gate while sobbing heavily

You know in your heart you already missed the flight. You just want to go home at this point. The hassle and the judgement has already worn you out and maybe it’s better to go back home. But no! You have to make sure you missed it! Walk on a regular pace while crying because you gotta convince those people that you don’t know what the hell you’re doing and you’re being trafficked into Shanghai to be sold to the black market.

Step 7: Cry when you finally reach the already closed boarding gate

When you reach the boarding gates and they tell you that they tried to find you everywhere and that you actually are the only person to not be able to get into the plane, say “ah okay”, sit on the waiting area, and then cry.

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Haha okay for real, this really did happen. I forgot about the baggage allowance and my employer accidentally put the additional on the return flight. I think if these two didn’t happen, the rest wouldn’t happen either. I would’ve been strong enough to answer the immigration officer with conviction and not scramble for thought because I’m not in my right mind at that moment. I wouldn’t also be taking too much time on the check in counter.

Anyway, this experience taught me about airport practices. Next time, even if I’m flying midnight, I’m gonna be confidently beautiful with a heart – and fuck those bitch-ass officers up in the ass because I’m no fucking prostitute. #triggered Hahahahaha

Trivia: When we were walking around in the food court while waiting for my flight back to Shanghai, the immigration officer who questioned me on my first flight walked past in front of us. And I’m sure he recognized me because he looked at me head to toe, which is why I took notice of him in my periphery (when he was entering my line of sight). I was so fucking tempted to run after him and say something, but didn’t really have enough negative energy to do so. To that officer: fuck you.

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